FEBRUARY 5, 2008
OPINION SHAPER: Mother adjusts to "empty nest" lifestyle
By Pam Dyson
"There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots; the
other, wings."
That quote by Hodding Carter served as my guide during my children's formative years. Parenting was
hard yet rewarding work. Each developmental stage had its challenges and its joys. Today I find myself
in the phase of parenting known as "the empty nest."
I knew that one day my children would fly away. I realized I would need to find ways to occupy my time
when my children no longer needed a mommy. Through the years I made it a priority to have hobbies
and interests apart from my children. I wasn't always able to indulge in them like I wanted to, due to
lack of time and money. But I knew that one day, when the children were grown and on their own, I
would be able to invest as much time and energy into my hobbies as I wanted to.
During my daughter's senior year of high school, when she began the college application process, I felt
compelled to pursue the graduate degree in counseling I had always dreamed of. That August, when
my oldest child went away to college, I began graduate school. The time that used to be devoted to
mothering my daughter was now filled with attending classes, reading and writing research papers.
The house was quieter and much cleaner "" my daughter had always left a trail of clothes, shoes and
jewelry throughout the house "" but I still had one child under the roof. I convinced myself that the
empty nest syndrome was a myth.
Last fall my second child left for college. The house was much quieter than I anticipated it would be.
Even the family dog noticed things were different. She would sit by the front door for hours waiting for
my son to come home. I was keeping myself busy with work and hobbies, yet moments of sadness
would come over me and I would find myself sitting in their rooms, sobbing, remembering happier times.
I needed something to help me feel like I was still a part of their lives, yet I didn't want to be intrusive.
A large portion of my workday is spent on my computer, researching and writing, so I suggested to my
children that they occasionally instant-message me. I keep myself logged on to instant messenger
through out the day, and it's always a pleasant surprise when a message pops up from one of my
children. We may chat for only a few minutes, but it's been a great way for them to check in with me
and a way for me to still feel connected to them.
As the weeks went by, I became more accustomed to the silence, and the feelings of sadness slowly
began to dissipate. The dog moved from her perch by the front door to a chair near my work space. I
noticed I wasn't going into their rooms as often. Instead of crying about the children they once were, I
was smiling at the adults they had become. I could look in the mirror and tell myself that I had done a
great job raising two independent young people.
Pam Dyson of Ballwin is one of 17 West County area Opinion Shapers. Opinion Shapers are guest
writers who submit a column three times a year on areas of interest to them. Dyson has a master's
degree in professional counseling and is a play therapist.
